At World’s Biggest Bookstore, purchasing a documentary about Disneyland And Walt Disney World on DVD:
Sketchy Cashier: Oh! That’s a good one. I almost bought this for myself. I’ve never been to Florida but would love to go.
Me: We’re big fans, we try to go every other years.
Ackward pause while he does things on his computer…
Sketchy Cashier: I hope you remember where you parked.
Me: I walked here, it’s all good.
Sketchy Cashier: No, overthere, they don’t give you anything, you have to remember where you left your car and it’s so big.
Me: When we go, we stay in their properties and use their bus system, it’s quite good.
Sketchy Cashier: Because it’s so big and they don’t give you a ticket or number, you just have to remember.
Me: Nowadays, everyone has a cellphone, you can use it to take a picture of the parking area number.
Sketchy Cashier: Oh yeah, that’s true.
We finally finish our transaction, he wished me a good day. As I walk away, the guy behind me hands the DVD he wants to purchase:
Sketchy Cashier: Oh. That’s a good one. I almost bought it for myself.
I turn around just to be sure that this guy didn’t also buy the exact same DVD I just did, I mean, what a coincidence it would be… No, no. He was paying for his copy of Batman, Under The Red Hood. I think the sketchy cashier should have a bigger repertoire.
At work today, two employees were discussing another employee’s sexuality.
Idiot 1: Do you think he’s gay?
Idiot 2: NO!!! Why would you think that?
Idiot 1: Because… he grew a beard!
There you have it folks. If your dream was to be recognized as a gay person, you no longer have to suck cocks, just grow a beard. God knows it’s why I grew mine.
After a large popcorn and extra-super-duper-movie-large Coke Zero, I really had to run to the washroom at the end of Toy Story 3. When I came out, a mother and daughter came out of the ladies washroom next door:
Mother: Now, it was a good movie and all but we gotta make something clear
Daughter: What?
Mother: It’s not alright to go and beat up on people. I don’t want you to start kicking anyone because it was ok in this movie.
Humm… The Karate Kid was playing in the theatre next to ours.
This morning, dentist’s office, sitting in the chair while the hygienist is half-way through my cleaning. One of the receptionist, whom by the sound of things had been away from the office for a while now, drops by to greet my hygienist…
Hygienist: Oh hi, you’re back!
Receptionist: Yeah, can’t find my grey shoes though… I must have brought them when I took all my shoes home…
Hygienist: Haven’t see them, sorry… Oh, you’re wearing pants today?
Receptionist: Yeah… I can’t wear skirts with that big gash.
Me: “choke”
Hygienist: Oh I know. Is it getting any better?
Receptionist: It’s still very tender.
I really am hoping they were talking about a cut she just suffered…
At work yesterday, while serving an anxious customer:
Me: “There you go. Anything else?”
Customer: “Oh yes, just a copy of this and I swear it’s the last thing and then I’ll be out of your hair”
Coworker: “That’s a funny thing to say to someone who shaves his head?”
At Eaton Centre today, lunch time, after buying my meal in the food court. I sit down with the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly and take the first bite out of a messy Quarter Pounder With Cheese. I notice this man in a suit, looking at me, smiling and waving his hand in a way of saying hello. I say hello back but the look on my face truly indicates I have no idea who the fuck he is…
Man: Hi
Me: Hey… sorry, I’m not sure we know each other…
Man: You work at Old City Hall?
Me: Yeah
Man: Room 5A?
Me: Yeah
Man: I was there earlier this week.
Me: Was I nice to you?
Man: Yeah…(chuckling) I needed papers for a client
Me: Ah k… phew!
Man: Ok, enjoy your lunch
Me: Same to you sir.
Rainy and cold Thursday morning.
Office building elevator.
There are no stairways unlocked from the lobby in my building to go up to our office, I have no choice I must take the elevator even if it’s on the second floor… Not a fan. I NEVER take it down… Ever.
I come in with my coffee in one hand, my dripping umbrella in the other, I fumble for my keypass but managed to press the elevator button. I can hear the clicking of boots walking behind me. The doors open, I walk in first followed by this lady (I use the term very loosely) who instead of pushing the button for her floor keeps pushing the one to close the door. We can here another person walking fast in our direction, but this lady just wants to close that door and zoom to her office it seems.
The other person manages to get in as the doors close on her shoulders and reopen. The latest arrival takes her place in the elevator and realizes that the lady was pushing the “close door” button all this time. They exchange an ackward look and then go on:
Lady: Why are you looking at me like this, it’s not like I have to keep the door open for you
Other Person: Well, you could be nice and make sure no one’s running for it
Lady: I don’t have to be nice to anyone
Other Person: Ok… well… I don’t have to be either. How about you shut your fucking mouth and drink your coffee then.
Me: My sentiments exactly
Lady: (dead silence)
Ah… I love rainy and cold Thursday mornings. Don’t you?
This morning, at the start of a promising day, at Starbucks. This lady rushes to get in front of me in the line up, cellphone in hand. There are approximately a dozen of customers to be served before us. At 15 seconds per customer, that’s approximately 3 minutes waiting time.
3 minutes with her cell phone in hand talking in a very low voice, making sure no one is listening in on her (I suspect).
Barista (to cellphone lady): Good morning, what can I get you?
Cell Phone Lady: Oh… hummm.. (silence while looking at the board).. hummm
Me: She’ll have a Grande Bold
Cell Phone Lady (to me): No! I can order my own drink
Me: You’ve been here almost 5 minutes in a line up and you couldn’t decide, I thought I’d help.
Cell Phone Lady: I don’t need this (and leaves)
Me (to Barista): Sorry! But I did you a favour.
Barista: Good morning. What can I get you?
It’s good to be back at work.
Actually, this is more like an Overseen today:
Me, mid-morning, men’s washroom at work. I go use the one free urinal, there’s another man in there using a stall, he finishes peeing with a great big sigh, almost like maybe he wasn’t peeing, but hey… it’s a City building, all are welcome…
Even with the big sigh he let out, I finish and zip up first, I turn to the row of sink and turn on the hot water tap, drip liquid soap in my hand, and start rubbing my hands together. The other dude comes out of the stall, small man, big dumb ass coat too big for him, not a homeless but maybe it’s something he might aspire to one day, he goes to the sink next to me, turns on the cold water tap and starts splashing water and rubbing it all over his face.
As I am at work and he is definitely one of our guest/customer, I can’t really admonish him, I mean he’s an adult after all and I’m not going to waste managerial and union time with a meeting where I have to discuss the situation that happened before someone lodged a complain about me…
Anyway, after a little while, when he was back in the waiting room, I went to a good friend of mine that works the counter and told him that should the dude in the dumb ass coat sitting in the corner be called to his window to remember that he doesn’t wash his hands after using the facilities… Rubber gloves are never far
At The World’s Biggest Bookstore this afternoon:
Young Woman: … like that time I was out on a date with this guy who was chain-smoking all night and then he wanted me to kiss him goodnight… yeah, right!
Young Man 1: Yeah, I’m not a fan of smooching with an ashtray. What about you, have you ever kissed someone and right in the middle of it you realize you want to back out because of the cigarette taste?
Young Man 2: Yes, but he was a virgin so I continued on
Young Woman: Was it that Russian guy?
Young Man 2: Nope, he was French
Young Man 1: And 16!
