Christmas is coming, which means stores are going to get even crazier than on regular days. Here are two things I’m asking Santa for this year:
1. May all the brain-damaged people understand the etiquette of escalator or elevator rules… They’re so simple really, don’t be a statistic of my hate list.
It’s easy, and I think it’s the same all around the world. Escalators were not created so you can get fatter in between floors, really, they were created to help people get up or down floors in a faster way by just walking as you climb or descend. So, if you can’t play by rules, then step the fuck to the right and station yourself beautifully out of the way of the people who want to exercise their right to walking and passing the slowmoes on the left side of the moving stairs. It’s easy, it’s simple, it makes people like me not throw shade or hate.
As for elevators, also very simple, get in, press your floor button (clue, it will light up when you do) and, wait for it, MOVE FROM THE CLOSING DOORS… Yes, there are other people who are waiting to get in. I don’t care if you’re first to get out, that you’re only going one floor up or down, just let me get the fuck inside so I can push my button and step aside. On that same vein, DON’T FUCKING WAIT RIGHT AT THE SLIT OF THE DOORS when waiting to get in, chances are there will be people getting out when the doors open and kissing your ugly pimply face is not what they want when they get to their floors.
2. Knowledgeable Store Employees.
Big store employees or medium store employees or small store employees or ugly store employees or even Walmart employees. Know your shit. Or if you don’t, shut the fuck up, don’t answer any questions, use your fingers to point to a store map or another employee you think might know the answer. But I’m gonna fucking run back to the 5th floor and drop kick you in the mouth if you send me from the the 5th floor of The Hudson Bay Co. to the basement for something that it turns out your company has decided not to carry anymore. Drop kick you in the mouth. “Huh… toys? Huh… All the christmas stuff is on the lower level… Toys are for christmas, so it has to be there”. No fucker, your shitty store doesn’t sell toys anymore like they used to.. I’m looking for Lego’s, the most recognizable toy in the entire world. The sell them in all the countries. Amusement parks around the world were built with Lego’s as their theme… And you have no clue if your company, one that’s large and nation-wide in Canada, sells them or not… “Huh… toys? Huh… All the christmas stuff is on the lower level… Toys are for christmas, so it has to be there”. I just want to put my heaviest boots on and go back… I’m ready for you fucker…
« Rant. I’m Gonna Swear. Part Three. Rant. I’m Gonna Swear. Part Five. »
Ha Ha Ha!! You crack me up! Thanks for the laughs!
It’s seems to be only in London where I have seen elevator etiquette being adhered to.
You are asking for way too much, mon ami.
I think you should write The Bay. That is shameFUL!!!!!
i hope you keep this going with daily updates. it’s like an advent calendar of misery.
and now i’m picturing unhappy children receiving their daily gifts and successively being disappointed by rancid buttermilk candies, rabbit turds and stinging nettles, etc.