Archive for October, 2009


Halloween Ready

Well, after many hours swearing at a sewing machine, I’ve finally finished my Halloween costume for this year. I’m not sure if it’s cheaper to buy one already made or to make it myself as the pattern and fabric were under $50, but the amount of time it takes an unexperience person to cut and sew the whole thing was a bit crazy… Still, I’m happy with it and I’ll probably make my own costume again next year…

Here it is, see if you can guess before the reveal picture:

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The fun thing about it is if you scroll down fast in reverse, it’s almost like a striptease:

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YOU WENT TOO FAST… PUT MY CLOTHES BACK ON!!!

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I’m Trying To Tell You You Stink!!!

This week with the stupid cold I have and the stupid rain that keeps falling, I haven’t felt much like walking to my regular Starbucks at lunch to read my book, but I just started the new Dan Brown and am really liking it, and I wanted a tea to soothe my throat while reading in the office’s lunch room.

Easy solution to this problem is to go to the first floor of the building and order from Tim Horton’s and come back up to read.

I get inside the restaurant, the place is full, the mayhem is happening in all 3 lines of people ordering and the two blob of customers waiting for their orders after having paid. I chose the line with the least people, I’m 5 deep. All of a sudden:

Tim Horton’s Male Staff: What can I get you sir! (not a question, but an order)
Me: (realizing I’m the only guy in my line-up) Huh… why don’t you deal with the four people in front of me first and I’ll patiently wait my turn at the counter
Tim Horton’s Male Staff: Aaaarghhh (as he rolls his eyes and turns away impatiently)
Tim Horton’s Female Staff: What can I get you sir!
Me: Seriously! I’m not going to shout my order over 4 people, I’ll wait my turn at the counter
Lady In Front Of Me: (turning to me with a smile on) Aren’t they just ridiculous?
Me: I have other words for them, ridiculous is too mild

When it was finally my turn at the counter, the 2 people behind me had already ordered.

Tim Horton’s Female Staff: What can I get you sir!
Me: Extra large Earl Grey tea, one bag, with skim milk
Tim Horton’s Female Staff: $1.79 (or something of the sort, less than a toonie)

I paid, took the change back and pocketed it. Normally I’d leave the change but that day I was in no mood to suffer fools.

Tim Horton’s Female Staff: You have to go wait over there sir! (pointing to a pool of zombies waiting for sandwiches and bagels)
Me: Can’t you just make my tea and give it to me now?
Tim Horton’s Female Staff: (to the 4th person behind me) What can I get you ma’am!

When my tea finally came to the “delivery” counter, I fought my way through the other people to get it and saw right away that it was extra large but there was 2 Green Tea bags strings coming out of the cup, it was my turn to go “aaaargh”… I took it and left with visions of throwing it back at them. Once back in my office, I took a sip and it was green tea with cream… Fuckers!

You Stink Tim Horton’s Staff of Toronto!!! You Stink To High Heaveans!!!

Swearing

I’ll admit it, I’m very quick at throwing the swear words around when frustrated or mad… If I go with “fuck this” or “fuck that”, it usually mean I’m mildly annoyed, but look out if you hear me throw the “JEEEESUS FUCKING CHRRRRIST”, this usually means I’m really getting frustrated with something or someone.

But swearing in English is so boring. Fuck or Shit. That’s it. That’s the extent of swearing. So when I pass the level of frustration shown above, I’ll easily switch to French and can then go on and on and on without repeating myself. For some reason, swearing can sort of calm me down and in French, it’s almost an art form.

Ok, here’s an example:

I’m at home, in Toronto with DR, I’m sewing my Halloween costume, it’s the last big stitch and something goes wrong:

Me: FUCK!
DR: What’s wrong?
Me: The fucking fabric got caught in the shitty machine again.

Now, same situation but let’s say I’m visiting my mom in Quebec, my sister is also visiting:

Me: Câlice de christ de chienne de sacrament d’ciboire d’hostie d’tabarnak de putain de viarge de calvaire de baptême de vache de maudite marde (insert breath) d’écoeuranterie!!!
Syl: Qu’est-ce qu’y a?
Me: Le tabarnak de tissue c’est encore pris dans la sacrament de chienne de machine une autre ostie de fois. Calice qu’a m’fait chier la ciboire de maudite vache de machine en marde.

See? Much more colourful, even if you don’t understand a word that was said, you know by the amount of words I used just how freaking mad I am.

But I didn’t always swear like a banshee… When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to swear, it’s a right of passage you are given as an adult. When I was 5 years old, one Saturday morning around 6am, I remember shaking my mom’s shoulder while she was still sleeping and when she opened her eyes wondering what was wrong, I simply asked if I could get permission to use the word “maudit” (damn in English). I don’t remember all the details that followed, but let’s just say I was sitting on the couch watching cartoons super quickly after that while my mom tried to get some more needed sleep before opening the store 2 hours later. And I didn’t get permission to swear.

When I was about 7, while playing in the sand with toy cars with a few of my cousins, one of them decided to destroy some of my roads, just for fun… so I did the same to him… then sand was flying from every side and all of a sudden the two of us are throwing punches at each other and my mouth is going: “tabarnak de chien d’ostie de tapette de frais-chier de calice de ciboire de…” I couldn’t finish my string of swear, my aunt pulled me up by the hair and sent me inside the house where I was to calm down in one of the bedrooms. I was the one being punished while the other one got to stay outside even though he totally started the whole thing. See, I was caught swearing like a mad man and needed a time out. Of course my parents were told about it. Of course I was punished and grounded.

I’ve learned not to swear in front of adults as I was growing up… some people sneaked cigarettes, I sneaked swears.

Nowadays, after working with the public for so long, I can manage my outburst, but watch out when I know I can let go, depending on where I am and just how mad I am, it can be quite colourful

Don’t Stop The Carnival

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In 2004, while on a cruise aboard Navigator Of The Seas, we made a stop in St-Thomas, US Virgin Islands. I had never been before and only had one day to explore, so I opted for a half day bicycle tour of Water Island and then the afternoon walking around historic downtown Charlotte Amalie. I figured that visiting the sights on a tight schedule was more inviting than a day at the beach, as tropical as they could be.

So after docking, a group of us met our tour guide who then took us all to Water Island by water taxi. A few minutes later, we boarded a small bus that took us to the top of the highest hill where our bicycles were awaiting. It was going to be easy, bus us to the top and we’d let gravity take us back down while enjoying some of the best vistas the area had to offer. Every now and then, we’d stop and the tour guide would give us some information about the sights and then we’d move on again.

At one point, we stopped at what used to be a hotel, now all in ruins. The guide started telling us the story about this American that came from New York and bought the place but after many adventures lost everything. I can’t really remember what she told us about the place except that the American in question had written a book about his experience and that is was a fascinating read. Judging by the size of the ruins and the fact that tennis courts had been built on top of a swimming pool that had been filled with dirt during some “owners” in-fighting, I thought I’d probably like to read this book. I asked for the title and author’s name and wrote it down so I could look it up when back at home. She said that the local bookstore in Charlotte Amalie would most likely carry the very popular Don’t Stop The Carnival by Herman Wook, if I wanted to check it out later.

The tour was fun and finished in the most enchanting beach I had ever been too: Honeymoon Beach. Calm turquoise water in palm tree filled beach, totally secluded and with only our little group enjoying the location, it was truly paradise:

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Honeymoon Beach, October 2004

Later on that day, while walking downtown Charlotte Amalie, I did find the novel at the local bookstore and bought it right away.

Now let’s Jump ahead 5 years, it’s summer 2009 and DR and I are walking through Cabbagetown’s famous garage sale weekend looking for fun stuff or more specifically for me, a copy of Song Of The South on video. While rummaging, I saw “Don’t Stop The Carnival” amidst a pile of book for sale, I turned to the owner of the house and asked when had he been to St-Thomas while pointing at the book. He laughed and said that he had bought it while on vacation in St-Thomas and had really enjoyed it. He asked if I had read it and I told him how I came about to buying it and then had just put it in my “pile to read” and had never gotten to it. When I got home later that day, I immediately went to find the book and plucked it out for my next novel to read.

Well, weeks later, I finally took the book with me to work and started reading it and I was really loving every second of it. I’ve read many really good books in my life, but this one might just be the very first one that I actually re-read in the future. It was that much fun to find out about Norman Pepperman buying this little hotel in the Caribbean and laughing out loud at all the adventures the poor man goes through during the first few days of owning the place. The author really painted a tropical picture that made me want to be on the beach with him, I could feel the heat and humidity he was living with. I was almost scratching my legs with him because of all those damn sand fleas he had been attacked by, same happened to me while I was working in St-Lucia for some months in my younger years. I wanted to have one of those Planter’s Punch he was constantly drinking… I wanted to be there… again.

The book was written more than 40 years ago and in today’s standards is quite homophobic and racist, but that didn’t bother me at all, that’s just the way it was then. The author does use the word “gay” from time to time but it’s only to describe the mood of the main character when he is actually happy or drunk… For his gay characters, the authors opts for names not so well liked these days such as fags, faggots, fairies, fruits, and some other fun things… The author also decided to write phonetically when writing speech for the local islanders, which I must admit made me laugh quite a lot, and if you read the book you’ll understand why “who de fot porson” is so funny to me.

I spent a few of my lunch breaks reading at the Starbucks close to the office and gotten many strange looks from other guests when I’d burst out laughing like an idiot. But as funny and entertaining as the book was, the ending was somewhat drastically different and depressing… But, now, one day after finishing it and thinking about it some more, I realize it was the only true way to end this crazy story.

The author, Herman Wook, did base the book on his experience of running a hotel in the Caribbean while he was doing research for some of his other more famous novels (War and Remembrance, as well as The Hope and The Glory) but Don’t Stop The Carnival is a work of fiction and that tour guide on Water Island did sell me a bill of goods while visiting the hotel ruins… It just fell apart because no one took care of it after some hurricane… end of story, goodnight.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go dreaming of the Caribbeans for a few minutes. And maybe even make a Planter’s Punch. With a paper umbrella in it.

Aaaaaaaaahh.

Michael Jackson Medley On A Thursday

Just fell upon this on youtube, thought it was fun and clever. Hope you enjoy:

Art Failure

I have fashion sense, I have a sense of humour, I have sensibilities… but I have no art sense… I suck at creating art… I sometimes watch DR picking up a pen and making great drawings in seconds and feel somewhat jealous that I could never do that… In fact, I almost flunk Art classes through high school because I sucked that bad at it… Every year I’d be in the 50′s or low 60′s in my grades.

The ultimate worse was Grade 12, my last year of high school… I was doing well in all my classes except for Art… in today’ standards, it would be known as an Epic Fail.

Here are some examples:

We were all given clay and asked to create any object. We would then glaze and fire them so we could have our own little pottery souvenir to take home… People were going crazy making ashtrays, flower pots, pencil holders, beer mugs, etc. Me? I decided to make a bear… except it didn’t work out so well, I ended up with a ball of clay to which I sort of put a head on and some tiny little arms… ugly as shit. When we were given instruction on the glazing, we were told we would not see the colours just yet, they would come out after they had been in the oven at the firing stage… Guess what, my bear came out brown with baby blue arms and nose… FAIL!

One time we came in to class and the teacher divided us in teams of 4 students, we were all seated at small tables and were told to draw the other people at the table in any situation we wanted, we could do one only, or two, or all 3 if we wanted… Oh the imagination nightmare… the guy facing me decided to go caricature style, the girl next to me went for realistic portrait… Me? I decided to draw their heads as if they were balloons floating in the sky… you guessed it: FAIL!

One day, our project was to redesign the sleeve cover of our favourite album… it was the end of the70′s and my sister was pretty much the one buying all the music in our house, so it was mighty disco… I didn’t have a favourite album per say… so I looked to my right, one guy decided to redo the Star Wars cover with some X-Wings shooting lasers, next to him some guy was redoing the cover of Close Encounter Of The Third Kind, in fact there was a lot of guys doing both Star Wars and Close Encounters… I thought of Abba, I thought of Donna Summers, I thought of Saturday Night Fever or Grease, I mean, these were the albums we had… but I panicked and took a chance on Star Wars just making a black background with lots of white dots as stars and a long red laser shooting through that… Don’t guess anymore, it was another FAIL! If I was given this project today, I’d simply draw a BEACH CLOSED sign posted by the sea and in the background you could see the Amity Island billboard… simple yet people would know it was for the JAWS soundtrack… I’d probably fail and write Amityville on the billboard.

But the very worst of all my Grade 12 project, the biggest and loudest “F” I ever got, in fact I believe the teacher gave me an F+. See, he gave us all a piece of wood and one of those wood burning pens. The project was fairly simple: using our name or initials, we had to create a logo and then use the wood burning pen to draw in on the wood, somewhat making a sign for our fake business… I thought using Michel would suck, so I went with my initial MP… this is what I came up with:

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See the first 2 bubbly-thingies are the M and the last one is the P sort of making a flower out of my initials. I thought it was clever but it certainly wasn’t enough for a “business” sign, so I went crazy and “upped” it with more “graphicness”, like this:

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The teacher couldn’t even look me in the eyes when he gave us our projects back. In fact, I think he might have been crying because not only had I failed, but as a teacher, I’m sure he felt he had failed as well…

I went on to College after that, but never took any more art classes

I Got A Quebec Feeling

This little gem was filmed in one shot during Frosh Week at Université Du Québec À Montréal on September 10th. DR played it for me a while back and I thought of posting it then but got preoccupied by other things I guess… so better late than never. And if you’ve seen it before, as I’m sure some of you have, well, enjoy it again… and again…

Are Rich Women Louder In Bed?

This morning, I decided to take a “me” day, one of those days where you’re in no shape to be at work, but still have energy to do something for yourself.

So I took my book to Starbucks down the street and ordered a Venti Mild and sat down in one of the comfy chairs by the window… ahhh, serenity now. There was only a very few people sitting, the rest were ordering and leaving, so even with the flow of people, it was generally quiet in there, noise wise anyway. Michael Bublé was singing from his latest album. Some guy was typing on his laptop at a table. It was just nice.

About 5 or 6 pages into the book, I felt a breeze. I looked up to see that a woman in a fur coat (really? a fur coat in October?) was standing there, in the door, talking on her cell phone, not coming in and definitely not leaving. Just standing there. Loudly. Both in looks and in voice. The lasers in my eyes were working overtime and she must have felt the heat as she finally walked in loudly, laughing loudly, talking about some party loudly… blah blah blah, the stuff they talk about when they want to make sure people who don’t know them will listen… Not me though. My book is too good and I just want her to stuff herself with one of those delightful earthy sandwiches this place sells and shut the fuck up at the same time.

She finally got off the phone with a loud click (flip phone??? really?), she ordered loudly and even sat at a table loudly… I mean you can lift the chair, you don’t have to try and sweep the floor with the chair.

Back to my book I went…

A few minutes later, some other woman came in, obviously there to meet her fur coated “frenemy”. Darling this and darling that later, she finally goes to order and comes back to sit down with the bear-lady (who wouldn’t remove her coat). And it started again… loudly… about Sasha would did her living room in dark colours and her husband so hated it… poor Sasha, she tried so hard. Then it was on to another one who’s gardener quit on her at the end of the summer and she was left to hire someone else to finish and clean up the yard, not sure if they’ve found the right one, it’s so hard to find good gardeners these days apparently.

And then, drama of dramas, fur coated loud bear-lady will have to start working on the Christmas party soon, she wants to change everything from what she’s done in the past… I bet you it’s going to be a loud party.

Since I’m not in a Christmas mood just yet, I decided to cut my reading short and head on home to read on my couch… I have a Michael Bublé cd, I can always play that one. My book will be just as good sitting by my window… Thanks loud ladies, enjoy your loud day.

I can be sure she was doing this for show, because people around her were most likely listening (like they had a choice)… But I ask, what happens when they are alone with their husbands at home? Do they shut up? Or do they try to impress the neighbours, the people walking on the street? What happens when they have sex? Do they open the windows so people know what’s going on? Are they louder in bed?

Public Pubic

My coffee kicked in quite early this morning and I was probably the first person to go into the public washroom at work. We have staff only washrooms but they are located so far that it’s just easier to go to the ones the public have access too.

Inside the male washroom there are 6 sinks, 2 stalls and 1 urinal, it’s adequate when it’s not too busy in the waiting room but let’s just say that when I go in there and someone is washing his feet in one of the sink, or another one is talking way too loud on his cell while sitting in stall #1, I just turn around and make the trek to the staff one.

At 8:25 this morning, the place was deserted, so I darted to the urinal and got into position: unzipped, feet apart and…. HORROR… there’s this thick, long, curly-ish black pubic hair just on the rim of the urinal… I don’t know why it bugs me, but it does… so I tried flushing it out prior to peeing… nothing, the water wasn’t going high enough in the receptacle to reach the hair. On to plan #2, try to aim at it while peeing to dislodge it and see the last of it. Problem is is too close to the edge that if I pee directly on it, it will splash all over the place, hit the wall, drop on the floor and then I’ll have to step in it every time I have to use the loo. Not good. But still, I tried and although I touched it with the “liquid laser”, it was just barely on the tip of hair, not enough to move it. That thing most have spent the weekend there drying in whatever it was stuck on…

I zipped up, washed my hands and went back to my desk.

Still thinking of the annoying pubic hair…

I made it my mission to try again next time I had to go, knowing that this would be in a couple of hours only…

At 10:30 when I went back, the place was deserted again and as I made my way to the urinal, I noticed the floor was all wet, the wall drippy and the pubic hair missing…

Thanks For Giving

This year, like every year, I’m thankful for a lot of things, I’m happy, I’m healthy, everyone I love is well, things are looking good. After a very harsh summer, it’s definitely a nice feeling.

On top of all this, someone just right out of the blue, after reading a recent blog entry of mine, sent me something I have been looking for for a very long time. I have scoured garage sale after garage sale in the hope that someone would have one fore sale not realizing the value of it. I have found many fun things during these garage sale outings but never the one treasure I was looking for.

The hunt came to an end last week when I received a padded envelope containing:

SongOfTheSouth(1946)

How freaking nice of fermat1969… Seriously nice. I can’t begin to say how happy I was to finally sit in the living room and enjoy the entire movie on the big screen instead of watching bits on youtube…

I knew most of the songs as they have a way of sticking to your brain when you hear them while riding Splash Mountain at Disney World but it was just amazing to hear them the way they were meant to be heard by the characters from the Uncle Remus stories.

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This is one movie I’m going to watch over and over again…

Thank you my friend… Something I hope you like will be coming in the mail for you both shortly.

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