Not so long ago, I bumped into someone I’ve known for a long time, someone I used to be quite close to but haven’t seen a lot of in the last couple of years. You know, one of those things where you turn a corner and just happen to be face to face with someone you’re somewhat happy to see but get the good feeling it’s not the case for them… something’s not quite right in the look they give you… Being in my 40′s and not my Teens, I took the first step and greeted the person the same way I always did between us in the past and came closer to kiss him hello but at the last moment he turned his head and “allowed” me to kiss him on the cheek instead… Ok, not so much a big deal, it had been awhile, but it was clearly uncomfortable for him… After quickly exchanging banalities about how life was, he announced he had to go meet up with friends and left. So I got to hear that he still lives and works at the same place and then he was gone.
I can’t say I was hurt that much, I mean I didn’t really make that grand an effort to keep in touch with him, but then again, the same goes for him. Telephone and emails work both ways. So when I got home, I sent an email to say it had been nice running into each other and we should get together to catch up. I’m still waiting for a reply. Burn.
Not so long after that while walking in the Village, I bumped into another friend and mentioned running into the other person and also sending the email. He looked down at his feet and said: “He won’t write back”. I asked why and was told that it wasn’t for him to say. Apparently, without knowing, I’ve done this “major” thing to cause a friendship to end and although people around me know they won’t tell me.
So be it, it’s all good, I could try harder to find out, go directly to the source, but I realize that I don’t care… enough… about this.
But it made me start thinking about all sorts of people who have come in and out of my life, people I stopped seeing or hanging out with for no particular reasons, just because life takes you through many different paths, some good, some less fun.
Maybe I did something to them as well to stop the calls or emails from coming, or maybe it’s just that the friendship had run its course, or maybe my patience had run its limit with others’ idiosyncrasies. It’s hard to know why, we’re complex creatures, n’est-ce-pas?
Friendships will come and go, there will always be someone around to keep us smiling and when one is gone, another one will come, we have to remain optimistic about it.
Being well married helps too…
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This is a very wise post. Especially in “gay” life — adult gay men get very close and then can part or drift on the thinnest of reasons — perhaps straight people do this, too, But it is one of the ironies of gay mid-life — that so many former friends have come and gone. Focusing on what you are doing now and the fact that this is just something that happens is better than trying to figure out some soap opera or pop psychology “reasons”. It just is. You tried. You moved on. Be grateful for what you have not what once was. Lesson learned. There it is.
As you say, friendships come and go. It might be worthwhile thinking why you yourself haven’t sought this person out in all this time; sometimes people we think of as friends only think of us as drinkig acquaIntances for example.
As people get older they experience different things and are drawn to new ideas, ways of thinking and interests and it stands to reason those friends and acquaintances who are associated with discarded pasttimes will also be discarded. That sounds harsh and I don’t imagine you live your life in such a black and white manner; nor do I; but it happens nevertheless.
That’s the beauty of making new relationships and friendships that go with the updated version of you.
I’m astonished that some people are still friends with folks they knew in high school and find it amazing they have such long-lived affinities.
It can be perturbing why people sometimes become unfriendly but I wouldn’t waste too much time dwelling on it unless you have a burning desire to rekindle that friendship. People come and go, and to paraphrase your wise husb from the other day, life isn’t meant to be a popularity contest.
Value the friendhipa you have and let the daft people make there own decisions.
For what it’s worth this new (blog) friend thinks you’re fab.
Thanks david, I know exactly what you mean, not sure either if straight people go through this or not but it does seem prevalent in the gay world.
Dyl: 15 years ago, I would have pulled my hair out trying to figure out what had happened. Nowadays, it’s so much simple to just move on and be thankful for what I have. And likewise, I’m always glad to step into your blog universe and see what you’re up to, I think you’re a great fun guy indeed.