Sharkboy

I don’t listen to radio that much anymore, I’m content with my iPhone and iTunes and all the thousands and thousands of hours I can cram in there… but still, it’s hard to escape the top 40 hits as radio is present with us everywhere in cars, at the malls, at my crazy-humming-cubemate work station, the who doesn’t know any lyrics or can’t carry a tune but insists on singing along at any given time… and therefore, every once in awhile I hear a tune that sticks with me… as it is the case with Beyonce’s If I Were A Boy:

Which prompted me to seek out the video, in which she looks freakin’ hot in… and then I found this little gem:

In this episode of Photoplay, entitled A Friday Night At Costco, I will give you the pictures and you need to tell me the story… ok? Go!
(Feel free to mix the pix to tell your story, I will be grading on substance, typos and feelings)

In French, as for any languages, there are a multitude of slang words used in common conversations. Some of these slang words sound very similar to other slang words. For today’s example, we will choose the two following ones:

Nounoune (noo-noo-ne), which would describe something as silly, like, humm, let’s say “a silly question” would translate to “une question nounoune”
&
Moumoune (moo-moo-ne), which would perfectly describe an effeminate male with a penchant for the dramatics, like let’s say “Hey faggot!” translating to “Hey moumoune!”

So today, at the information desk, this lady walks to me and notices that I’m wearing a lanyard showing I speak French and English and after confirming that she can asks me questions in French she goes:

J’ai une question moumoune a vous demander
(I have a faggot question to ask you)

I looked at her, raised one eyebrow just like Phil Kehogan would on The Amazing Race and said:
J’aimerais mieux que vous m’achetiez un verre avant s’il-vous-plait.
(I’d rather you buy me a drink first if you don’t mind.)

At that moment she realized her slip of tongue and became totally embarrassed and red in the face and I started to laugh and then said:

Ok, alors, on recommence au début?
(Ok, let’s start at the beginning again)

And we did, and I laughed some more when I gave her the forms she needed and her numbered ticket to wait her turn at the counter… she still looked embarrassed when she was on the phone, possibly re-telling the story to a friend.

Today, during lunch time, I ended up at The Bay downtown and after browsing and farting around aimlessly, I decided to go in the “Pharmacy” part of the store to buy some afternoon snacks. I chose some gum and some mints and made my way to the cashier.

After scanning my items making sure not to make any eye contact with me but continuing a conversation with her co-worker, she then loudly exclaimed:

Cashier: $5.07
Me: (handing out a $10 bill)
Cashier: Bay card?
Me: (silence)
Cashier: Points?
Me: (silence)
Cashier: 7 cents?
Me: I’m politely ignoring you as I’m not sure if you’re talking to me and then again you can’t seem to form a full sentence.
Cashier: (silently give me back my change, the receipt and the goodies in a bag… never looking at me)

Good lord, I deal with angry people all day long, but I still managed to always say: Can I see your ticket please? or Please fill out the form and wait for this number to be called at the counter behind you… Not that difficult to complete a sentence… but at The Bay it’s not required of their staff. She’ll be the first to cry injustice when lining up a the Employment Insurance office.

Fleefus is a gorgeous chocolate Lab that was abducted a block away from where DR and I live. The owner tied him outside the butcher shop and from what I gathered many witnesses saw a man take him and runaway. As you can see from the picture, Fleefus is safely home tonight.

This story made the news locally on TV and in the newspaper too… Not a fun thing to have to go through but in their hours of despair, the owners made posters and put them around the area and might have dug into something a bit deeper than they originally thought.

When DR and I first saw the poster we immediately focussed on one particular part: “and may be mentally handicapped”. We started thinking that these guys might have found a way to help the police catch anyone, what if they just insult the perps to a point where they come out of hidding just to defend themselves??? For example, if the police is looking for a bank robber, why not describe him as White Male, in his 20′s, short hair, 6′ tall and a pedophile. Don’t you think the bank robber would come out and say that he’s not a pedophile and then snap, he’s caught. Well done detective. Or say the RCMP is looking for a drug smuggler, they could describe him as White Male, in his 40′s, long hair, 6′ tall and a necrophiliac. Bang, that guy is at the RCMP station to file a complaint… and snap, he’s caught too.

I think it was brilliant of Fleefus’ parents to call the dognapper a mentally handicapped person. I just know for sure taht if I’m a victim of a crime and they don’t catch the person who did it, the poster I’ll make will involve severe bestiality disorder in his/her description. That crime will be solved in no time. Snap.

If I was a romantic guy, I’d play this extremely gay romantic song for DR:

But knowing him so well, I know he’d rather I play this for him:

I liked! I jumped!
If you’re going to see it, go in a really good theatre with really good sound, it’s worth it. I hate when machetes come out of the floor…

At Casa RoboShark, we like a nice crisp bed to sleep in at night. My mom showed me a few tricks when I was younger, and they are sticking with me to this day.

What tricks you say?

Well… get your favourite sheet set and follow me, I will demonstrate:

First, lay down the fitted sheet and tuck in the corners tightly:

Then take the flat sheet and spread evenly and tightly to match the head of the mattress with the design facing inward… Don’t question me, you’ll see why shortly:

In Winter we add more layers, so let’s add the duvet. Spread it evenly but leave at least 6 inches at the top head of the bed:

And then rigth after that, we add the really warm faux-fur blanket, same as duvet, spread evenly leaving 6 inches at the head of the mattress. Your duvet and blanket should lay evenly, with the flat sheet sticking out 6 inches:

That is when you take the extra 6 inches from the flat sheet and roll it up once over the duvet and blanket – and – then all 3 layers are rolled up once more, giving this effect:

Now you understand why the flat sheet was facing down. Don’t you feel like a loser for questioning me? I forgive you.

It’s time to add the pillow shams, resting against the manly headboard:

Quickly followed by the pillows which we put right against the shams in the exact same position, nicely filling up the empty space left when the flat sheet was rolled onto the duvet and blanket:

Sweet isn’t it?

Now comes the free form portion of the programme, this is when you can be as creative as you want… For our Winter bed, I go with manly over-stitched suede cushions and a nice woolly southwest design with matching colours:

You don’t have to stop there, add more… I find sharks, polar bears, monkeys and monsters can add that final “We’re 45 yr old Men” touch. Also should you need it, you can always add an animal print smaller blanket at the foot of the bed, it’s a really nice touch on very cold night, your feet will thank you:

And there you have it… our bed… in Winter!

Oh sorry, one last addition:

It was super cold outside this morning. Frigid. I get it, -25 degrees outside, that’s cold. Get the fur hat out again.

It definitely makes for a very cold walk to work, so I guess that’s why walkers don’t seem to have the regular patience to wait for the green lights to cross the street corners and continue on their venture…

This morning DR and I witnessed a lot of this, we even did it ourselves when the street was totally clear… but when I arrived at Bay and Gerrard and stopped for the light to change, this business man, wearing a wool coat but no hat nor gloves was standing across the road from me and decided to gun for it before the light changed. Two different sets of screeching tires later he stepped on the sidewalk next to me and said in a Texas type accent: “Juss Lack Niew Yiorka Citay”… Of course I couldn’t keep it shut, so I went: “No, they’re not that stupid there”. He just walked away and added: “Go fack yarself”.

The art of making friends is even stronger in the deep freeze of February