Yesterday I had an ultrasound appointment before going to work. It’s a preventive measure my doctor likes to take as 11 years ago I drove to the hospital in agony with what turned out to be a kidney stone. Not fun. So to avoid this whole trying to pass an 18 wheeler through my manly bits, I really don’t mind having someone pour goo on my belly and wand her way through my insides.

My appointment was at a different location than my past visits, not in the village area this time but right on Bay St. I’m sure they are not as accustomed at seeing men as the clinic on Sherbourne was, right smack in the gay village. So I come in 15 minutes before my time, register with the receptionist and made her correct the spelling of my name, yep, she put some extra “l” and “e” ‘s … bitch.

It’s not busy at all, I’m the only person in the waiting room. As I open my book, I’m now reading The Reader, the door opens and my name is called… no waiting at all. She walks me to a changing room where a piece of paper is lying on a chair. She instructs me to remove my shirt but to keep my pants and to put the paper poncho over my head. When I’m done, I will find her in the room across the hall. I do as I’m told and very soon I’m lying on my back looking at the ceiling and her repeatedly telling me: “Big breath in” “Breathe out” “Big Breath in” “Breath out”… no other words… then she surprises me with “Please turn to your left side”… and she goes on…

Only when she tells me to turn to my right side that I finally get some visual distraction. Her computer monitor is on screen saver and it is showing me her life… She is the perfect girl… she has a cat, she has a dog, she has a metrosexual boyfriend, she has lots of cute girlfriends who like to take group pictures with their heads stuck together, she goes to lots of weddings…. wait a minute, did she win a Miss Something contest, there’s a picture of her with a pink sash but I can’t read the glitter on it… I officially want to be her new bff.

She finishes and instructs me to use the paper poncho to wipe the goo and to dispose of it in the garbage can outside the changing room. Everything very clinical, everything very emotionless, everyting is fucking white in there… my eyes hurt.

I get dressed and make my way out, I thank her again when I walk in front of her office. I open the door that leads me into the waiting area. There is a woman sitting there and as I thank the receptionist, I steal a glimpse of the sitting woman making a raised eyebrows with a big O of a mouth, like according to her, only women should be in an clinic for ultrasound… I reach for the door and I’m pretty sure I hear the reception respond to her look with a giggle… I mean who knows I could be wrong, but just for good measure, I raise my middle finger at both of them as the door close.

Now I’m ready to face the fucktards at my office.

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