I got a sudden feeling the morning would be worse than usual when I kissed DR goodbye at the subway station and felt my personal space totally violated by a whole bunch of strangers who thought it was a good idea to walk inches behind my ass. My gut feeling was totally right.

At the Yonge & College corner, I decided to cross even with the countdown showing only 6 seconds, I know I have enough time as when this countdown reaches zero, I still have 4 more seconds before the other light turns green. What I didn’t count on was the idiot bitch sitting comfortably in her plush Cadillac Escalade turning right on a red light while talking on her cell phone, it seemed that waiting was not in her card so she decided to blow the horn and scared the bejesus out of me as I was approximately 9 inches away from her front bumper, prompting everyone in the Tim Horton’s to turn their head to see what was going on and embarrassing the shit out of me. I took out my iPhone quickly but couldn’t turn on the camera fast enough. Still, I pretended to take a shot of her license plate. Let her freak out about it for a couple of hours.

I continued west on College and took a left to go south on Bay. That’s when I ran into Santa, a jolly old man with snow white hair & beard and super red cheeks who I see frequently on this same walk. Santa likes to smoke his pipe in the morning before reaching work. As I passed him, he decided to knock his pipe on the side of the wall to put it out. Of course, the wind picked up and all the ashes flew at me. My first reaction was to broadcast out loud: “Jesus Fucking Christ”, which Santa quickly disregarded. He took the first entrance inside his building. I have left home only 15 minutes ago and already have my heart racing and my clothes smelling of vanilla and roses. Yippee-ka-yeh.

Still I continued south on Bay until I reached Gerrard where I took a right and continued on west. At Elizabeth St, the light turned green for the 3 of us waiting to cross to the other side. As the two young women in front of me decided to go, so did the car that was stopped at the red light ready to turn right on the red light. Without even looking in our direction, the fat woman driver pressed on the gaz pedal only to finally turn her hear in our direction and notice the three terrified faces looking at her, she slams on the breaks. Accident averted. I couldn’t resist reminding her that she needed to always look both ways before turning on a red light. She dismissed me with a wave of the hand. You fat fuck I thought to myself as I reached the other sidewalk.

By this time I was so wired with annoyance and aggravation that when I pulled open the door at Sick Kids hospital to finally get to my Starbucks, a woman holding a thermos and a large bag zipped in front of me and turned with a smile and said: “thank you!”. I swear I almost drop-kicked her. And she was the only person that had actually been nice to me.

After purchasing my coffee, it seemed that everything calmed down a bit.

But it was only at 16:26, as I went to the bathroom that everything really changed for the better. As I got in, I noticed that one stall was occupied but the urinal was free, so there I went. All of a sudden, the ripping fat wet sound of diarrhea filled the room, followed by an even louder wet fart, a heavy sigh, the long pull from the toilet paper roll and a double flush. I then heard the stall door open and the sound of the faucet. I was finally finished by then and was somewhat curious as to who had made this serious melody for my benefit. Oh yes, it was my work arch-enemy. Oh how much fun would I have telling certain people about this in the following few minutes.

« »