Ain’t life a bitch!
Totally ironic that on the day where most people put on a mask and costume to reveal their funner personalities, that mine come off to reveal my vulnerabilities.
Here I am at lunch time, reading in the middle of a crowd where a Halloween costume contest is going on with kids and parents and co-workers cheering each other on and all of a sudden, it all goes away, and I find myself crying, uncontrollably. I’m reading the last in the series of Tales in the City, I’m near the very end, and the author decides to end the serie with a bang by killing one of the main character. I’m tough, I can take this. As he describes the surviving character rushing to the hospital finding the loved one in a coma with a large respirator tube inserted in the throat, I stopped reading and started re-living the events of 4 months ago. The resemblance in the facts were eerie. And I started to tear up. And then I cried. Big large tears falling down.
I took my things and left the rest of my lunch on the table, rushed outside to the sidewalk. It’s downtown Toronto, daytime, people abound, where the fuck am I going to hide. People are looking at me, probably thinking I’m some sort of nut job. I’m waiting for the first one to make a smart remark to the fact that I shouldn’t be crying like this just because I lost the costume contest…
So I go and hide in the washroom at work, hoping this will finally pass… I don’t think I was feeling guilty or anything, but it is the first time I have really cried since the funeral, I guess I had to let it out finally once again.
I miss my dad. I miss our talks about the weather difference between Montreal and Toronto. I miss the stupid things we used to argue about. I miss his toughtfullness, his well-wishingness. I hate that I won’t be seeing him again shortly. I hate that he had to suffer so much before leaving us. But I don’t tell anyone. I keep it all to myself. I bottle it all up until something like today happens. And I embarrass myself in front of everyone for showing that I have feelings too, that I’m not just all about sarcasms and making jokes at other people’s expense.
Well, tonight I won’t be having a stiff drink or feel sorry for myself, I will be going out in costume and have a real good time, remembering that he too loved this day.


















